For two years i have struggled mentally with God. It's far to easy to accept faith on an emotional basis and I want to be able to fully accept him with my intellect. I've been stuck for so long. Marx writes about religion as an "opiate of the masses." A drug to explain away hurt and suffering, an invention to help them survive a bleak world. This freaked me out, because I can see this being true. It's when I am trouble, that I turn to God the most fervently. It's when I hurt, that I seek him the most. Does that mean that I've created God as a solution to my problems? Does this explain why I find it so hard to live my faith when life is good and I feel fine? I've had other questions that I can't seem to absolve or set aside. They haunt me. How can I sing the goodness of God when I preach eternal damnation? Eternity is a long time. Far longer than the years a person is given on earth to seek God.
So why do I write all this? To discourage those of you who are Christians? To push away those who are not?
No.
The thing is even as I have been and still am struggling with my questions I've never doubted the existence of God. I know that there is a creator. As far as my Marx questions...the problem does not lie within God, but within my faith. I allow my faith to prove a theory. I allow a God to be a lifeline...a band-aid. But he is not.
This song that's been floating through my head...there is a line in it:
"This city breathes the plague of loving things more than their creators."
I'm realizing the last few years I've replaced God with intellect, forgetting that God created my intellect and not to mention that of those around me. (wow that opens a can of worms) I guess I've forfeited my relationship with God for a time so that I can pursue these questions. I couldn't figure out how to balance both.
Another line from the song:
"This land means less and less to me without you breathing through the trees."
Christians talk about how bad life is (or how hard it is) to live without God. For me: I found this untrue. I get by fine when I don't consider God. Actually I find it harder when I am in relationship with God. But here is what I see. My life is good. But it just isn't enough without God. That line speaks to me. I feel like I've been losing passion to live and to be involved as I've lost touch with my creator.
Finally, the line that has been repeating nonstop in my head:
"Hold on to what you believe in the light, when the darkness has robbed you of your sight."
This song, I'm almost positive, was not meant as a spiritual piece. Which is why I find even more meaning it. I think God knows I've been annoyed by cliche Christian songs and such. So, he found another way to reach me.
Right now I am in the dark. I feel incredibly lost in my head. I want to hold on. I will. I can't keep holding off living for my intellectual quandaries. I have to learn how to live and seek truth at the same time. Don't get me wrong. We need to use our minds, our intellects, to pursue truth, to pursue answers....we just have to be careful to not forget to live.
I apologize if this entry felt more journal-esque. It wasn't meant to be. I just really needed to share honestly to whatever ghosts out there read this.
I've been surrounded by passionate people lately. It's reminded me what faith can be. It can be more than a group of Christians sitting within four wall discussing theology. It can be a world of people living and breathing their relationship with God.
So...I continue to struggle...to grapple with my questions (cause that is what I do) but I also continue to live and to learn what it means to be in a relationship with the creator the universe.
God help me.
inspired by: kayla, SOMA, and Mumford & Sons
